I used to be a master of stuffing my feelings down,
with alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. I did it for decades, and yes, I still managed to appear to have it all.
That takes a certain level of skill. It’s almost like magic, to have something appear to be a certain way, yet underneath, something very different was going on.
I felt like I could never get clean, like I was always dirty.
What I really wanted was to feel free.
Free from the mask that upheld the image of me with a successful career as a PR consultant, a six-figure income, a dream body (from breast implants and a tummy tuck), travel around the world, a beautiful home and friends, married to an amazing man adored by all.
From the outside you could swear I had it all.
But inside…
I felt like I was slowly dying.
I knew the alcohol wasn’t the answer. But I was so deep in it already.
I was stuffing everything down, down, down, suppressing, denying and lying about how I was truly feeling.
No one could see it. Not even me. I wasn’t letting anyone in.
I didn’t know where all the turmoil was coming from. But it was there and I had no idea how to face or deal with it!
I hid it all masterfully. The uneasiness, the confusion, the loneliness, the embarrassment, the shame, the frustration, the not enough-ness, the unworthiness, the disappointment.
Alcohol was of course my first ally.
So was working hard.
Pretending that everything was okay.
Total insanity!
I lived in a secret panic that I would have to tell the truth.
That I would have to come clean. That I was not happy. That I was cheating and lying.
I felt like a fraud.
I felt like a failure in my body, a failure in my mind, a failure in my life. I was working SO hard to control everything, trying and trying and trying to keep it all together!
Maybe you can relate?
I feared that I would never have enough. Not enough money. Not enough clients. Not enough success. Or the body, the marriage, the peace, the love, the satisfaction I so desperately wanted.
I was running the false belief program of “not enough”, there was ‘never enough’. It was running on autopilot and I didn’t even know it at the time.
I was so unaware of its game that it took over my life and began running the show.
I set out on a path of destruction.
I was its unaware victim. I felt continually blindsided by its wild thoughts and behavior.
I felt agitated, irritated, confused and had no idea how to express it. I thought I had to keep it all inside that no one would want to hear about it.
I started grasping for everything anything that would make me feel better, as they say, in all the ‘wrong’ places.
At one point, I got so graspy and greedy with my clients that I began charging them more and more money to the point where a red flag went up in their finance department and they had to let me go.
I sought plastic surgery again and again trying to feel better in my own skin, but the opposite took place, I felt more and more uncomfortable, there was still more to “fix”.
In my marriage, I so desperately wanted more attention and affection.
There was ‘not enough’ love!
This was the ultimate disaster for me. I started having an affair. That went on for two crazy years. I lost vision in one of my eyes from all the stress of stuffing it all down.
All of this led to more pain, more confusion, more desperation, more dissatisfaction.
And then it happened. Everything in my life started falling apart.
I lost what I thought was everything. The money. The clients. The success. The marriage.
Gone.
As things crumbled, the pain became unbearable.
I realized I had to let go. There was nothing else I could do. I had to feel the pain.
But, more importantly...
I HAD to ask for help.
So, for the first time in my life, I reached out for help.
I simply couldn’t bear the overwhelming discomfort of being me any longer.
Hesitating, shaking, and so wanting out of it all. I called my friend Alex.
She answered and asked me “How are you Meliss?”.
As much as I wanted her help, I was still lying to myself about how I was truly feeling; “I am fine” I responded.
Her voice dropped lower “Really Meliss, how are you?”.
Swallowing my pain a little deeper, I replied, “I am fine, Alex”.
I could hear her take another breath, with her tone very firm this time
“Meliss, really how are you?”
I collapsed to the ground and started sobbing. I broke. I told her everything I could in the next two hours.
The affair.
The heavy drinking.
How awful I felt.
The shame.
The embarrassment.
I purged and I purged and I purged some more.
I had been stuffing it ALL down and suffering in silence for SO long.
And, she listened patiently.
Then, she asked me a very powerful question.
“So, how much more time are you going to do?”. She made it sound like I had been doing jail time (because inside I had been).
I screamed out “NO MORE! NO MORE TIME!!!”
Her Love is what got my attention, the unconditional love I so needed. It got my full attention and from that moment onward I started seeking.
I read books recommended by friends. ‘Zen and the Art of Happiness’ became my bible. ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise Hay became another refuge. As many other books as I could get my hands on.
I was like a starving child who was finding a way to nourish herself for the first time.
But yet I still needed to go deeper. I really needed to give myself the gift of a total transformation.
That meant I needed to clean up the mess I had made.
I had a fire so brightly lit in me. I could see what I truly desired for the first time.
I moved out of a 25-year relationship, out of the house I shared with my husband, Doug, and in with a friend. As I was moving out he said, "I'm so glad you are doing this Melis...I could have never given you what you wanted." At the time it was so painful to hear, but I knew it was the truth and today I know it is for what I was truly wanting was to be the real me.
I had no idea how, but I was determined to discover a new life for myself with true genuine happiness.
I was craving feeling better (more than anything) and any step in a new direction felt like it could lead to that.
My whole being was crying out for feeling peaceful, feeling like everything was going to be okay.
My plan at this point was to get out of the insanity of doing things over and over and over again and expecting a different result and embarking on a whole new path.
So…
I set out to discover who and what I truly am and why I am here.
It didn’t happen overnight; it took time to undo all the knots I had created in my life.
One of the things that I really had to deal with is the belief that I couldn’t afford to be helped. This really came from my feelings of unworthiness, like I didn’t deserve it.
WTF, really?!
I was making $10-20,000 a month and I told myself a big giant lie that kept me stuck longer than I needed to be.
That I could not afford to pay for others services. Whether it was a $500 course or a $200 an hour therapist.
You see I had put money in charge of my life for so long and made it more important than my happiness, my freedom, my wellbeing.
So, I continued to stay stuck in the muck of my own mind you could say reliving old stories over and over again like a broken record. “Well what if I had done this differently or said that differently”.
I had so many regrets, so much wishing that things were different than they were.
The more I resisted and rejected myself and my life, the worse things got.
I would go back and forth to the drinking and feel the same pain. The same regret. The same embarrassment.
I really needed help, real help from someone who had been there before.
I felt heavy. I felt tired. I felt exhausted.
And I really just wanted to get away.
I started researching vacations on the internet.
A cruise? “No way! That’s something I used to do with Doug”, I thought.
A tour through Europe?... Same thought…
Then, I put some key words into my browser in August of 2012.
Yoga, vegan, dolphins.
POOF!
It was as if a genie was sitting there, just waiting for my request on the screen.
This magical woman appeared and the site talked about coming to swim with the dolphins in Bimini.
– CHECK.
(A total dream come true)
Eat vegan food and lose weight
– CHECK
(Delicious)
Yoga every day.
(Ahhhh, yes please!)
I called the number instantly and a woman with an English accent picked up, “Hello this is Jenny”.
“OMG you’re real, this retreat is real?” I exclaimed. She laughed and said “Yes, I’m surprised that you reached me as I am out on a boat with the dolphins”.
EVERYTHING in my heart and body and soul said do it.
So I sent her the money the minute we hung up.
There was no more hesitation.
I was ready, craving, crying out for something new.
Sending that money did something to my psyche.
It was like I was taking my life back and my power back over money.
I was in charge now.
I wanted a new life I wanted the real thing and with that move I knew I was ready to do anything.
It meant getting out of my old comfort zone and fear of traveling solo. Meeting new people and not drinking both terrified and excited me.
It really was the journey of a lifetime. A deep dive into creating my new life that I am endlessly grateful that I made.
This was a sure sign that I was discovering a new path, a new way of life and I was so up for the journey!
“When the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change” ~ Jim Rohn
I was creating my brand-new life.
- I finally got help and taught my heart how to open layer by layer, pedal by pedal and express itself again.
- When I woke up every morning, I prayed for peace.
- I asked God and the angels to take over.
- I would roll straight on to my yoga mat and begin Kundalini breathing and chanting.
- Moving my body.
- Yogi’s call this ‘taking out the trash’ and it sure felt that way.
- I felt lighter and freer and my mind quieted.
- Kundalini yoga infused itself into my life and I knew how to breathe myself out of pretty much anything.
- I learned how to hold and comfort and really be there for myself. To have my own back. To see my true beauty. Experience my love. Express my gifts.
- I stopped drinking alcohol.
- I began studying with great teachers and mentors and coaches like Neal Donald Walsh who wrote ‘Conversations with God’.
- I began studying ‘A Course in Miracles’.
- I made amazing new friends that led me to seeing my life so differently.
- I felt hope and excitement. I had a spring in my step, naturally.
A life I was actually choosing and loving and I found the more I let go of the old life the more doors opened in the new one!
I always wanted to live on an island and live the island lifestyle so I arrived with two suitcases and immersed myself for a whole year in nature.
Swimming, hiking, asking myself “What would be fun to do today?” when I woke up was truly beyond a dream come true.
It was my healing medicine and in that I received the gift of coming home to my true nature relaxed and peaceful in my own skin.
As my vibration went higher, I was introduced by a friend to Rikka Zimmerman.
I felt an instant connection with her teachings and enrolled in her year-long Life Transformed Coaching Course and within a few weeks of meeting her I had a dream I would be working for her.
And I did.
For four years I studied and began mastering her coaching techniques.
I’ve had the honor and privilege of working with hundreds of beautiful women.
Helping them move from feeling lost, scared and confused (where I once was) to expressing and feeling the pain they were feeling in a safe and sacred space so they could come home to their heart.
Did I mention that an amazing partner came into my life as well?
A man who sees my gifts my love my talents so fully that he encourages and celebrates and inspires me everyday.
Marc and I live on an incredible 3-acre property on Maui with sweeping views of the ocean, so many yummy fruit trees (avocados, lilikoi, oranges, limes, bananas, liche, breadfruit, starfruit, pumpkin cherries, guava).
It's from this place and space I am beyond blessed to work with women from all over the world, helping them to release the pain and step into the life of their conscious choosing and creation.
You probably know the quote:
“What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”
~Napoleon Hill
Well, of course, I would update it to:
“What the heart of a woman can conceive and believe she can achieve…"
Which is why I have created intimate, boutique style ways for us to work together designed to serve you and what it is you are ready to release, activate, awaken in you at this time.
It really is just a matter of clearing out that which has been clouding up your vision from seeing the true magnificent miraculous magical you.
This is what I so see in you.
No matter where you are at right now, I am standing with you and for you.
I have walked through it all within myself and my clients over the last 10 years on this incredible journey of awakening!!
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